all of these things that occurred this week point to the same truth: 

i can’t get away with sanitizing something inherently dangerous anymore.

the mask has slipped, and i cannot put it back on. this feels like an unlocking of some kind.

but god, i’m still so afraid. my calling feels too big for me.

i wish i could say i don’t give a fuck about what people think of me, but i do. i really do.

i don’t know. i guess i’m just thinking about how many people are going to resent me. not just men, but women too. the more audacious i am, the more my light will shine. and the more my light shines, the more it will reveal the darkness in them. 

and the darkness doesn’t like to make itself known. its sneaky, it hides in between spaces and shadows. it has to- that’s the only way it can remain in control. 

but if my calling was really too big for me, why would it persist in pressing against my skin, aching to be brought forth into reality?

why would i even be “called” in the first place?

feb 1st, 2026:

“i just love making art. even writing about it makes me tear up. it’s a gift from god that just keeps on giving back to me. no one can take this from me- that’s what’s so beautiful. even on my worst days on this earth, i’ve made art. whether i’ve worked on a writing piece, a drawing, or a painting, i’ve always had this, even at my lowest. and the thing is, the medium really doesn’t matter. even if i went blind and was paralyzed from the neck down, i would still make the same art- it would just take the form of music instead. but the message would be the same. my message, which is also god’s message.

my art is a collaboration with the invisible. i just listen, and i pay attention to my inner world, and i execute. i share it like it’s my gospel, because it is.

i need more women to make art- honest fucking art- and SHARE it. i literally think that could save the world. there’s so much SLOP out there. depressing fucking low vibrational slop. ai’s only going to make it worse. i need women to share real shit and transform the world with their shining light- god with their personal essence.

i’m so unbelievably passionate about this. the order needs to be set straight again. it got so out of whack for years and years, and we’re all feeling the collective trauma of that- we’re all carrying it with us. 

i’m picturing a field of flowers that’s been dead and grey for a winter that lasted thousands of years.the sun is beginning to shine again, and the color is returning. the flowers are blooming, and their petals are opening.

oh, how i long to be the sun. that’s all i want to be in this life. california light, and a lightning storm. the sudden destruction of ignorance and the illumination of truth. hot blue.”

all i can do is feel the fear, and carry on anyway.